Genesis 2:18 And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone”….
This is me facing hardships and sharing my story of trying to keep hope in the Lord and struggling with life and being alone.
Have you ever just felt alienated from everyone and everything. Its like you realize that talking to people will not make a difference. That having friends doesn’t help. That at the end of the day its just you. Im in that spot right now. I think I can relate to how Job felt when God allowed satan to take away everything from him. Everything has been taken from me. Its hard to explain how it feels to be alone even in the presence of others. Most often other people don’t understand me. They don’t understand how to help and thats usually why I end up just pulling away. Im not super open person, but I do my best with sharing my feelings. Its just every time I share its like no one sees or understands how much effort it took for me to say so much, to give so much of myself. Im trying to mentally pull myself out of this ditch.
Drowning not Splashing
Sometimes you believe that you are splashing and everyone else around you believes it too. That the look on your face is from joy. That your laughter is real. That your smile isn’t a mask your forced to wear as you slowly lose consciousness because the water is getting to a level that is too high to breath. And you tell yourself to give it on more shot, to make a sound and ask for help one more time, but its shut in your face. You start to realize that there is no one who is going to notice your drowning and take action to keep you afloat. Whats even more hilarious is that I’ve started to think about him. I start to want to go back to him. But honestly that relationship was me drowning for about 2 years and he never noticed. HAHAHA… There is not life guard at this beach on this earth to turn too.
And thats why I have retreated in myself. I think if I ask for help and make people realize I’m drowning they will let me down again. I will be disappointed some more. I think its best to wait on God. Sometimes people are not meant to stop you from drowning. Although I don’t pray pray, I have been talking to God. I really think in this season of drowning not splashing he is the only one who can save me. I mean he has gotten me to 22 years of age, there has to be more to life then drowning in a crowded pool. Its funny though because throughout this year I have almost drowned but somehow I come up and get a little bit of air, but I always find myself being pulled back into the depths of the ocean.
Part of me wants to rage…I want to destroy and break and ruin things. I want to scream and shout and cry. But I don’t…I can’t….The only time I really lose myself is when I’m on my knees pleading with God to have mercy and remove me from this cycle. At this point I don’t want to go to church, I don’t want to go to school. I get out of bed because I gotta keep trying. I want to skip church for a while though, I’m tired of seeing myself cry and break down every Sunday….Even I am a little annoyed with me and all my emotions.
KEEP MOVING YOUR ARMS AND LEGS!!
I wont stop trying to come up for air, I’ll keep fighting till my splashing is splashing. I don’t want a life filled with repeated cycles of drowning. So if you are drowning and not splashing you aren’t alone. We have God and Im fighting to swim too. Don’t stop fighting through this guys. Don’t for a second think that just because there is no one that God isn’t here. I have hope…Take hope..Take Hope….. TAKE HOPE
An Appointed Time 