24 & Counting – LATE POST

Everytime we turn an age, there is a bit a fear…you count all the things you were planning to do and you compare it to what you have done. Here is a bit of my mind turning 24.

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So this year I turned 24 years of age. The Big 2 4. I am so close to half way to 30 lol. *takes nervous deep breath***

*nervously rereads above statement, nervous laughter**

So yeah, I am very close to half way to 30. Nothing I thought I would have accomplished have a really accomplished.

The Never Accomplished List

  1. Graduate University
  2. Be married
  3. Find a high salary paying career
  4. Travel outside of North America
  5. Climbed A Mountain
  6. Learned To Swim
  7. Start a successful ministry

…….

Okay so you get the jiff. I had all these goals I expected to achieve before hitting 24 and so far none of those have come to pass.

The road and timeline I had created for myself fell through. The places I hoped to get to, I didn’t quite reach. The battles and hardships I’m facing, I never expected to face.

So here I am 24 and contemplating what exactly am I doing with my life. Seriously, have you ever sat down and wondered “what the freak is going on?”. Well that’s where I am now.

I guess with every age. You sit and you look back on how far you’ve come. And all the accomplishments of the year but some years that’s not how things play out. Sometimes you sit and you realize that your timeline and real life aren’t quiet matching as you expected.

  1. I mean you had one boyfriend for 6 years then found a relationship with God and had to let him go.
  2. Originally you think hey I will go into nursing. Just for the nursing thing never to happen after 3 years of trying. And realizing you were in the right field all along (psychology)
  3. You figured like everyone else you would have your degree by now. And yet.. there is no degree yet.
  4. Everyone else seems to have figured their niche out. And you have just started taking the small baby steps of figuring out what you want in life.
  5. You have not left Canada since you moved.
  6. Your love life has failed to a point of nonexistence that surpasses all understanding.

Okay, so if you have continued reading and have reached this point you are probably wondering where all the hopeful positive stuff comes in……

Well I guess that would be exactly how I am feeling right now. Lol. Where does all the hopeful positive stuff come in??…

That’s what year 23 of my life has taught me. That the positive stuff requires a bit more work to find sometimes, but that doesn’t mean the positive stuff isn’t there. All I’ve had to do was look a bit harder.

  1. I have for sure understood that psychology is my career and am in the process of working towards a masters.
  2. I live on my own and pay all my bills and still manage to eat.
  3. I have great people in my life.
  4. I have found a relationship with God that only seems to improve my life.
  5. I have a great job and great bosses.
  6. I’ve learned about what boundaries are required in my life to make me happy.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is sometimes you have to look at the little things. The things you feel are too small to be of importance or significance, the things that made you happy but they weren’t the big numbers on your time clock.

So for this new year of life, for year 24 I will make it my mission to remember the little things. I hope as you’ve read this blog post you too will make it a mission to remember the little things. The little moments of joy and blessings that have made all the difference. It’s so easy to look into everyone’s “lives” and when I say lives I mean social media pages, and decide that they have so much more then you. That these friends from high school have achieved so much more then you have. But if you really sat back and considered the small things of 2017 or of year 23 or your life. You would come to realize that all those small things add up to great and amazing things to be grateful for.

So for today’s Blog Post Challenge, write down 10 small things that made you happy. After writing down 10 I’m sure you will realize you have a bit more then that, if so write them out too. And don’t forget to REMEMBER THE LITTLE THINGS.

 

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Christmas Is The Only Time I Miss You…..r……Family

Dear Diary

Have you ever had this one person, or this one family that you miss only during the holidays. Well Christmas is the only time I miss my Ex and his family. Its not even about the presents guys…..no really its not about the presents…its about the FAMILY.

I think I have always been attracted to his family. If I could break down to you how much I loved his family, you would probably think me a bit weird. But his family was like my family when I lived him with for about 4 years. 4 years can get you very attached to a group of people. And I think around the Holidays my heart breaks a little for that family. I know my family is way too far and its far too expesinve to visit them, so sadly I that is out of the question.

Okay..I cant be the only girl ever to have fallen in love with the boy but stayed for the Family….okay maybe I can be.

But look here, growing up I didn’t do the whole Christmas dinner thing. We didn’t decorate the tree and have presents under the tree. Everyone never sat around the table together to say what they were thankful for. So that family, was more of the family I hope my kids get when it comes tot he Holidays. Most Holidays now, I just plan how my family will do it. How much more my kids will get to experience.

But Christmas is the only time I miss you..r family.

Which I guess explains why I am no longer a part of that relationship. I mean I wasn’t in it for the right reasons to begin with.

So moving on and letting him go was my best and wisest decision.

A Heart That Gives

Often times I wonder why God gave me the heart that He did. I sit and I get so tired of constantly offering up my heart and feeding into people. I’m that friend… I try to be the best person that I can be, always considering other peoples feelings and making sure to never be the cause of there pain. I am always willing to be this listening ear, always willing to give and give and give.

All this time I  have had friends. People in my life who I watched give so much, and I used to think ” I don’t believe I have that giving heart that everyone seems to have”. Truthfully, I would wonder if maybe I don’t deserve those people in my life because what I give could never compare to how much they give. I’ve listened to people struggle with their hearts, and the kind of giving people they are, and I could never understand.  I mean some days I would feel depleted, and I just want to hold up into my room and cry, unbeknownst to me, this heart of mine also gives till its empty.

I think the issue is that I am a fixer, I always want to help everyone be happy, I want all my friends to get along, I want everyone to feel welcomed and loved and accepted. I want everyone to feel special and needed, not to the point where they look to me for what only God can give, but just so they would be aware that someone cares. It’s amazing to have friends and people in your life that you truly feel care for you.

I’ve been giving a lot of myself lately, I work with youth which require a level of giving sacrificially, I give to friends, to family. I am always checking my heart, checking myself to make sure that I give with a joyful heart.

Last weekend, unfortunately, I reached a point where I broke down. I couldn’t anymore, i kept looking around for someone to give me encouraging words or to pray for and with me, and there was no one in site. It was funny because I had never really started feeling depleted until a few months ago. I didn’t quiet know how to go about handling this. I was a mess to be honest. I kept thinking ” who is here for me”??……..

So I got home and I worshipped, I worshipped the lord with Travis Greene’s – Made A Way…. I spoke life back into my spirit through worship and prayer. I sat and I cried to my one source of hope. I balled my eyes out as I remembered that the lord is where my strength comes from. If I needed to be filled up, if I needed some kind of strength, I need not look any further but to God.

I know for some people it will sound stupid, I can hear the unbelievers now…. ‘you went to God?…pshhh”. But thats exactly who I went to, I think that is one of the benefits of having a relationship with God. Unlike the people of this world, when I need encouragement, when i need to remember who has brought me through the valley of the shadow of death, when I remember who moved the mountains, who caused walls to fall in the past, I know I only need to go to God.

So if you sit here reading this post, feeling like you’ve emptied your heart on people who might not have deserved it, you feel like you give so much of yourself and no one is there to return the favour. Crawl to your knees and Go To God.

Its a work in progress for me, its a new battle and something new to deal with. And as a psychologist by trade, I could easily decide to analyze and such. But I understand where to go for fullness. I know who can refill my oil, the same one who has the living water. So as I begin to understand the heart that God has given me, the more I understand how important it is to constantly be connected to the source, so I never feel emptied.

 

Who Do You Belong To?- Crossroads Part 1


Trapped between your will and His. Trapped between everything you believe you want and what God wants for you. Convincing yourself that picking what you want is better. Uncertainty of loving someone who hasn’t exactly helped you be better like you thought

Have you ever sat and saw the life you want laid before you. Has your heart ever been so tangled in something that you don’t see how you can undo the ropes. The tangles. The knots. Have you ever stood on the precipice where one decision, one choice, has the ability to make or break your future. Your purpose. Your ministry 

But on the flip side you wonder if it’s that serious. If things happen this way in life. If love that tastes so good could be so disastrous.

But God has called you for more hasn’t he? He has expected something of you. Weren’t you bought at a cost? Wasn’t blood shed for you? Do you belong to yourself? Is it your will that matters? Have you got yourself this far or has it been his grace?

And I keep replaying all these questions in my mind. I had set a standard and I am the one who lowered it. I had asked for particular things and now I go before God telling him I’ll settle for less then I had asked for. It’s like going into a job position asking for 100,000 a year and later on telling your boss oh can I please just have 50,000 a year instead. I want to tell him that the girl who had asked for so much before no longer exists now. 

But even to say all that I wonder how I could settle. When the calling of ministry is seared in the grooves of my heart. When giving up ministry I would end up losing what I want anyways. How can we go before God and tell him we’ve changed are minds. That the plans from the womb he had set up for us isn’t going to work anymore. How much is your desires worth?

“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.”

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:24-25‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I guess the question I ask myself, and the question I ask you who is reading this is WHO DO YOU BELONG TO? 
Because the bible states that those who belong to Christ have nailed the crucified their sinful natures passions and desires. They have given up those things that don’t align with his plan. 

I sit in my uncomfortable seat. The seat that feels a little too tight. And I wonder who do I belong to? Or who do I want to belong to, myself or God? 

It’s a inner battle, it’s sitting at gods feet begging Him to make what you have before you work. Asking God that this little should somehow feed you. And God is looking at your small plate, and he’s asking you- why my daughter? Why have you decided on this when I have a buffet set up and waiting for you? And I know I fail to look into his eyes to answer. I fail to tell him that this is really all I want to settle for. Because deep down I am worth the plans God has for me. And so are you. YOU ARE WORTH THE PLANS GOD HAS FOR YOU!! 

It’s just a matter of believing it, of not just thinking it but living it. Of expecting it of yourself and those around you. 

There are two roads before you. Eventually you cannot stand in the middle. Eventually you will be required to move. Standing still will stop being an option. It will become one or the other. It’s hard, tears might fall, hearts might break, friends and family may be disappointed… but the choice is yours, and the APPOINTED TIME might be sooner then you think. 

Just remember this…

“This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God’s weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭1:25‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Burn

Burn it to ashes
If it burns I will watch with sadness in my heart as the cut from this heartbreak iscauterized  by the fire He sets aflame.
If it burns I won’t feel your love engulf me in its arms, holding me close. Whispering I love yous.
If it burns I will not taste your skin on my lips and hear your heartbeat in my ears.

If it burns You will not take over all my senses leaving the only 3 words coming out of these two lips be I love you.
If it burns I will heal. I will have the scars to prove how I have overcome our love.
If it burns there will be no way to turn back, there will be no choices to make.

If it burns we can fulfill destiny and purpose will remain in order.
If it burns my heart won’t beat your name anymore

BURN

IT

TO

ASHES……

Open Heart Surgery

You are like the surgeon who is botching his first open heart surgery

Walk in,

hands ready to press into the walls of my chest cavity, ready to expose the most inner parts of my heart,

You said trust me as you put me to sleep with soothing words of i love you’s, and promises that you knew you could never live up to,

You got a closer look at me,

You got to see me deeper then anyone else has ever gotten the opportunity but little did i know that you weren’t ready,

Just learning about love you thought I could be the first patient that you cut open, yet i lay bleeding on the table,

Deep breaths,

You take a look into a heart that has etched a lifetime into small space, like old bones found marked upon rocks telling stories never yet been told,

You Should have known,

Preparing to remove hurt tissue, thinking you could fix the scars that have given my heart this irregular beating, slicing through past loves, and broken friendships, and disappoints,

Confused,

You don’t understand why as you make your way through past hurts,  digging into my damaged tissue, I flat line

You never realized that as you tried to remove all the broken pieces your unclean hands were leaving destruction in their wake

I needed you

Unable to stop all the bleeding you call time of death on the love that I thought you were willing to do anything for……

Time of Death 1:40 am

Overcoming Adversity

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Everyone alive has experienced adversity. You may have faced a struggle with your family. Might not know how to pay rent. Your best friend has distanced themselves from you. The relationship/marriage you worked so hard to maintain has gone ablaze.

It seems that life continues to kick you while you are down.

Adversity will come, there is no magic potion or magic prayer that you can drink or make in order to leave adversity behind. That moment where you gave your life over to God did not make you immune to the adversities of this world. When you surrender yourself onto Him, you begin to face a new set of problems.

I have watched a sermon, where the women of God said that the minute you submit your life to God there is a bulls eye placed on your life. The enemy is not please that you have given your life to Him. The devil doesn’t want to see you succeed (major key), and in an attempt to reign over your life once again the devil goes into action. Adversity will come….

But as a child of God YOU will OVERCOME!

The bible says….

1 John 5:4  

For whatever is born of God overcomes the world.

When God says being born of Him overcomes the world, he means that you his child born of god, submitted onto his will, realizing that your life is not your own. You are an overcomer. You have overcome through Christ Jesus. This does not mean that trails and tribulations won’t come, it doesn’t mean that the enemy won’t attack, that people won’t talk about you, that you won’t have enemies.

The bible teaches us that we live in a battle field. The enemy has set himself up to steal your soul from God to spend eternity in Hell. We learn time and time again that we live in a world where we do not fight flesh and blood.

Ephesians 6:12

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

The term overcome in greek translates to nikáō which means “to carry off the victory, come off victorious.”, the verb of this word implies a battle.

To overcome means to carry the victory, to be victorious , to win the battle.

So as a child of God we know we are in battle, we know the enemy will attack but we know that we carry the victory (overcomers).

Knowing God’s word allows us to remember that we have won the war, that our king is victorious. When adversity comes you cannot fall, you cannot quit.

As a child of God you cannot lay and die, the Lord has given you the tools for battle. The tools to fight the enemy. He has equipped you for the adversity that will come. He has given you a spirit of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. He has instilled in you what is required to overcome, to carry the victory.

Proverbs 24: 10

If you faint in the day of adversity,Your strength is small.

This verse truly impacted me when I read it. I am a person who has spent a lot of time falling whenever life threw me a blow. I hadn’t the faith to gather strength from God to keep going. If ones strength is small, that means you are attempting to do this of your own strength, you have not gone to the source to strengthen you. But Proverbs tells us that if you faint in adversity then your strength is small. If God’s grace is sufficient, we as His children should ask Him for strength so we do not faint during adversity.  We do not quit when people gossip, when we get fired, when the rent is due and there is no money in your account. We already understand adversity is a part of the struggle, we understand that as children of God we are overcomers.

Isiah 40:29

He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength.

The lord can provide the strength you need to face adversity, the strength you need to fight the enemy. The strength we require we can receive from the lord, and he is more then willing to offer it to us.

I will leave you with the verse, which so eloquently speaks of our victory from Paul

Romans 8:35-39

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

36 As it is written:

“For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”

37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

WE are MORE THAN CONQUERORS!!!!!!!